5 February 2008
By far the dumbest person to ever work in the White House, James Danforth Quayle was a very lucky man to have even made it there in the first place. Here are just some of the highlights of the life of Dan Quayle.
February 4, 1947: born in Indianapolis, IN, the grandson of a printing magnate who owned over a dozen newspapers.
1955: James C. Quayle moves his family to Phoenix, his son would later claim to have lived in California as a result.
1965-1969: Attends DePauw University, double majoring in political science (where he received numerous D’s) and partying (which he mostly audited).
1969: After graduating from DePauw with a mighty 2.4 grade point average, decides to go to law school, because lawyers “make a lot of money and do little”. Even though his GPA is too low, his family’s large donations throughout his attendance coupled with a program designed to get more minorities in Indiana University’s School of Law ensured his entrance and success.
1969-1975: Bravely defends America as a member of the Indiana National Guard. Extremely disappointed that Neil Young never wrote a song about his antics.
1971: Marries Marilyn Tucker, who will spend the rest of her life being a bitch as a result.
1974: Finishes law school, gets a job as an associate editor for his family’s newspaper empire. Practices law with Marilyn, too.
1976: Convinces enough brain-dead hicks to send him to Congress.
1980: After four years in the House, gets elected to the Senate. Therefore, we should seek the immediate removal of Indiana from the Union.
1986: Re-elected to the Senate by the highest margin in Indiana history. I’m serious, we should seek Indiana’s immediate removal!
1988: Added to the ticket to make the real George Bush assassination- and impeachment-proof.
1988: Called out as “no Jack Kennedy” by Lloyd Bentsen (see below).
June 15, 1992: forces student William Figueroa to misspell “potato”.
November 3, 1992: Bush/Quayle is defeated by Clinton/Gore, with quite a bit of assistance from Perot/Stockdale.
January 20, 1993: Quayle drops off of the face of the earth. He is still believed to be as stupid as ever.