How Could I Forget?

5 February 2008

By far the dumbest person to ever work in the White House, James Danforth Quayle was a very lucky man to have even made it there in the first place. Here are just some of the highlights of the life of Dan Quayle.

February 4, 1947: born in Indianapolis, IN, the grandson of a printing magnate who owned over a dozen newspapers.

1955: James C. Quayle moves his family to Phoenix, his son would later claim to have lived in California as a result.

1965-1969: Attends DePauw University, double majoring in political science (where he received numerous D’s) and partying (which he mostly audited).

1969: After graduating from DePauw with a mighty 2.4 grade point average, decides to go to law school, because lawyers “make a lot of money and do little”. Even though his GPA is too low, his family’s large donations throughout his attendance coupled with a program designed to get more minorities in Indiana University’s School of Law ensured his entrance and success.

1969-1975: Bravely defends America as a member of the Indiana National Guard. Extremely disappointed that Neil Young never wrote a song about his antics.

1971: Marries Marilyn Tucker, who will spend the rest of her life being a bitch as a result.

1974: Finishes law school, gets a job as an associate editor for his family’s newspaper empire. Practices law with Marilyn, too.

1976: Convinces enough brain-dead hicks to send him to Congress.

1980: After four years in the House, gets elected to the Senate. Therefore, we should seek the immediate removal of Indiana from the Union.

1986: Re-elected to the Senate by the highest margin in Indiana history. I’m serious, we should seek Indiana’s immediate removal!

1988: Added to the ticket to make the real George Bush assassination- and impeachment-proof.

1988: Called out as “no Jack Kennedy” by Lloyd Bentsen (see below).

June 15, 1992: forces student William Figueroa to misspell “potato”.

November 3, 1992: Bush/Quayle is defeated by Clinton/Gore, with quite a bit of assistance from Perot/Stockdale.

January 20, 1993: Quayle drops off of the face of the earth. He is still believed to be as stupid as ever.


Everybody needs their slacks. Lyndon Johnson was never one to mince words, either. He probably didn’t pay a dime for the Haggar slacks he ordered in this telephone conversation.