How Could I Forget?

5 February 2008

By far the dumbest person to ever work in the White House, James Danforth Quayle was a very lucky man to have even made it there in the first place. Here are just some of the highlights of the life of Dan Quayle.

February 4, 1947: born in Indianapolis, IN, the grandson of a printing magnate who owned over a dozen newspapers.

1955: James C. Quayle moves his family to Phoenix, his son would later claim to have lived in California as a result.

1965-1969: Attends DePauw University, double majoring in political science (where he received numerous D’s) and partying (which he mostly audited).

1969: After graduating from DePauw with a mighty 2.4 grade point average, decides to go to law school, because lawyers “make a lot of money and do little”. Even though his GPA is too low, his family’s large donations throughout his attendance coupled with a program designed to get more minorities in Indiana University’s School of Law ensured his entrance and success.

1969-1975: Bravely defends America as a member of the Indiana National Guard. Extremely disappointed that Neil Young never wrote a song about his antics.

1971: Marries Marilyn Tucker, who will spend the rest of her life being a bitch as a result.

1974: Finishes law school, gets a job as an associate editor for his family’s newspaper empire. Practices law with Marilyn, too.

1976: Convinces enough brain-dead hicks to send him to Congress.

1980: After four years in the House, gets elected to the Senate. Therefore, we should seek the immediate removal of Indiana from the Union.

1986: Re-elected to the Senate by the highest margin in Indiana history. I’m serious, we should seek Indiana’s immediate removal!

1988: Added to the ticket to make the real George Bush assassination- and impeachment-proof.

1988: Called out as “no Jack Kennedy” by Lloyd Bentsen (see below).

June 15, 1992: forces student William Figueroa to misspell “potato”.

November 3, 1992: Bush/Quayle is defeated by Clinton/Gore, with quite a bit of assistance from Perot/Stockdale.

January 20, 1993: Quayle drops off of the face of the earth. He is still believed to be as stupid as ever.

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Everybody needs their slacks. Lyndon Johnson was never one to mince words, either. He probably didn’t pay a dime for the Haggar slacks he ordered in this telephone conversation.